This is a jokeathon. I havn't a serious bone in my body, and it occurred to me that a long list of jokes would be a pretty funny idea. With prizes so we can have fun. So I need your help.
To enter, you need to go to comments and add your favorite joke. I will close entries at 3 PM Wednesday, (EST), and do a video of the drawing which will be posted by 8 pm, (EST). There is a runner up prize (beagle bank below!) and grand prize (piggy bank below!) which I will ship to the winners in the US or Canada. Some people overseas have asked if they could enter and they would pay postage, and that's OK. *all names go into a hat, and the 2 winners will be chosen randomly
You can comment as much as you like, or submit as many jokes as you like, but I only will give you one entry for the drawing. Winners must be willing to give me their real name and address, so I can ship to them. I have sold over 600 items on this blog in two years, and I know many of the bloggers who visit here by their real names and addresses, and I will keep them secret.
Your joke must be clean. My wife just told me a rather funny, rude, blasphemous and obscene joke about a fork and spoon, BUT THAT IS NOT OK. Your joke must be one you could share with a ten year old. It can be a quote, a joke, a riddle, a limerick, whatever. If you know who said it or wrote it, please say so.
Here's my joke as an example:
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read" by Groucho Marx.
Please submit an entry like this: "Hi, I'm______ and I'm from ______ and here's my joke". Such as "Hi, I'm Farmer's Wife, and I'm from South Texas, and here's my joke: "
GO TO IT!
(pots by Gary Rith)
122 comments:
Julie from Melbourne:
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
a carrot.
HA-HA!!!! Great idea! Okay, okay, okay!!!
Crap. I got nothin'. I'll be back, my brain's not awake yet!
Okay, coffee's kicking in! Hi, I'm Farmer*sWife from South Texas and here are a few of my kid friendly jokes:
What did the carpet say to the floor??
Shhhh, I got you covered!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the roof say to the chimney??
You're too young to smoke!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?
Knock knock?
WHO's there?
Banana.....
Banana WHO!
Knock knock?
WHO'S THERE!?
Orange....
Orange who.
Orange ya' glad I didn't say banana?
Um, nice start folks, but Louise? Can I ask you to resubmit?
This is my favourite joke, and I told it live on air in Ireland when I was a kid - I'm Louise, and I'm from Dublin, Ireland, and here's my silly joke:
A man went to hell and met the devil waiting for him in a large fiery corridor. The devil advised him that he would have a choice of three rooms in which to spend the rest of his unfortunate existence, and that he could have a look in them first to help him make his mind up.
They entered the first room, where people were hanging from their eyelids, being flayed and being made to watch tv that they hated. Screaming and wailing and knashing of teeth abounded.
Then they went to the second room, where people were being tortured horribly with brooms and mouldy faceclothes and generally not having a good time (the non-ten year old version of this is a little more, eh, graphic). Needless to say, screaming and wailing and knashing of teeth were very much the order of the day in this room too.
Then they went to the third and last room, where all of the occupants were standing around hip high in ####. Festering, eye-watering, piercingly smelly, ####. However. Some of the occupants were reading the newspaper, while hip high in ####. Some were listening to the radio, while hip high in ####. It stank, for sure, but other than the hip high in #### bit, this seemed to the guy with the choice like the kinda place he could see himself spending the rest of his unfortunate existance in.
So the devil asked, 'which will it be?' and the man promptly chose the hip high in #### room, to which he was ushered with great haste by the guard who was rushing back into the room.
No sooner deposited (heh) in his new room, the guard announced, in a tone made flat through endless repetition:
'Right lads, breaks over, heads down. Back to work'
Farmer*s Wife from S. TX with another one:
Hey?
Yeah?
Is your refrigerator running?
Yeah?
Better go catch it! :-D
This is soooo fun!
Hi. My name is TT and I'm from Oklahoma.
How do you catch a unique bird?
**'unigue'up on it **
How do you catch a tame bird?
**tame way**
Ok...here's another...
Put your arms over your head with your palms together and spell the word image...then add the word lightbulb at the end....
I
m
a
g
e
lightbulb.
ha ha ha ha ha ha
I meant mad in the nicest possible way of course.
What's brown and sticky?
a stick
Do puns count? If not, I'll just lurk around as I usually do.. all glazed and confused. I don't mind if they're not acceptable... I'm just kiln time anyway, so don't fire me!
Hilary from Ontario, Canada wanders off humming Jimi Hendrix' Purple Glaze
I just got up, so will get back to you, but this sounds like so much fun!
Ok, this is J, and I'm from Minnesota.
Lets see:
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "Hey buddy. Why the long face?"
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese
"Have you got any kittens going cheap?", asked a customer in a pet store.
"No, sir," replied the owner. "All our kittens go "Meow"."
And the last:
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food." The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Hi, I'm ~Sil and I live in South Korea. Here's my joke!
EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home till he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
Here is one submited by my nine-year-old daughter, Hannah, since I'm the world's most unfunny person. We are from Ithaca.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cow.
Cow who?
Cows don't say 'who.' Cows say 'Moo.'
Puns are OK!
Thanks everybody!!!
Keep on rollin' rollin' rollin'!
Hi, I'm Linda from California almost the middle of the state and my mind is a blank - a total blank - I'll be back later after my coffee. OK all I can think of right now - is when I went through the drought in California back in the 80's or so to conserve on water in toilet flushes, we used to say,
"If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down"
Ok - we're Kate and Jim from the Hudson Valley area in New York.
A 1st grade teacher in NY explains to her class that she's a Jet's fan. She asks her students if they are too. Everyone in the class raises their hand, except Janie. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Jets fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you're not a Jets fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Pats fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher asked, "Janie, why are you a Pats fan?"
"because my mom is a Pats fan, and my dad is a Pats fan, so I'm a Pats fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Pats fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mom was a moron and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?"
"Then I'd be a Jets fan."
Hi, I'm Reb and I'm from Alberta!
This was one of Dad's, I don't know the original author, probably that famous person Anonymous.
The dogs, they held a meeting
They came from near and far
Some came by automobile,
While others came by car
From all over the world they came
Into the hall to look
It got so crowded, they had to take
their arseholes off and hang them on a hook
No sooner were they settled,
every mother's son & sir
When a yellow bitch yelled fire
and out the door they tore
They went in such a hurry,
they didn't have time to look
and as each passed, reached up and took
an arsehole off the hook
They got their arseholes all mixed up
it made them awful sore
to have to wear an arsehole
they'd never worn before
Now that is why a dog will drop a juicy bone
and go an smell an arsehole in hopes to find his own!
Hi, I'm Linda from California,
"What's black and white and red all over?"
a newspaper
Hi, this is Lynda from Houston...
I have two little jokes and hope one is not inappropriate.
1. Why don't aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny!
2. Have you ever smelled mothballs?
How did you get their little legs apart?
I'm Knight from New York (but you know that) and here is the one joke I know:
What did the Goldfish say when he swam into the wall?
DAMN!
"Hi, I'm Janet and I'm from the Boston area and here's my joke, which, hmmm, come to think of it, mibht not be so good for a 10 year old, but here goes:
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run..run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his accent: "R-r-r-un yah bahstahd, r-r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstahd, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstahd, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with p-r-r-ride man!"
Oh wait, I remember another...
Two guys walked into a bar....
The third one ducked.
Hi, I'm Linda from California, here's my joke,
"What kind of dance does a rabbit do?"
Hip Hop
oh man, this is GREAT, pushing the limits is OK, I have GOT to find a way to print these later!
Hi, I'm Linda from California and here's my joke:
"Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a corn field?"
"there's too many ears and they'll hear you"
Hi, I'm Kcinnova, and I'm still claiming Washington State as home - regardless of the fact I live in Virginia.
I have to credit Garrison Keilor's annual joke show for these:
____________________
Why did the egg cross the road?
Because it had the inclination.
____________________
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
"DUNG!"
____________________
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fifteen. One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins.
__________________
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?
A: No one knows - it's never been done!
___________________
Woman: Doctor, for the last 8 months, my husband has believed he is a lawnmower.
Doctor: Well, why didn't you bring him in sooner?
Woman: Because the neighbor just returned him this morning!
______________________
[Say this one aloud]:
What do you a call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer!
_____________________
Why couldn't the pony talk?
He was a little horse.
_____________________
What should you do if you're eaten by an elephant?
Run around and 'round until you're all pooped out!
_____________________
And my personal favorite:
What is the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits a windshield?
His butt.
Ha!Ha!Ha! LOL! This is SOOOO great! Later y'all!
This is "What Did?" by Shel Silverstein
What did the carrot say to the wheat?
"Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
What did the paper say to the pen?
"I feel quite all write my friend."
What did the teapot say to the chalk?
Nothing. you silly...teapots can't talk!
Oh yes, PRICELESS! No eye dear!
Listen, Kate et Jim are gonna be disqualified for obscene and blasphemous jokes. I like the Jets.
Correction: I didn't tell it right earlier (no wonder it didn't make any sense).
What did the Big Chimney say to the Little Chimney?
You're too young to smoke!
~~~~~~~~~~
That makes more sense. Sorry 'bout that!
One I saw when I was in London and liked:
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
It goes on and on and on like that, but you get the picture.
Best Wishes,
Amaryllis, (a.k.a. EH)
This is Candace from Iowa.
A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?
The horses name is Friday.
Thanks!
Candace
ok, I'll give it a try. I'm usually not good at telling jokes.
Hi, I'm Carrie from Minnesota.
A bear walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He walks up to the bartender and says, "I'll take two beers...one for me and one for the road." :)
One for the road!
I am so excited, this is so many jokes, and just this morning?
EH up there is my sister-in-law Emily from New York. I know that. But I appreciate everybody saying their name and where they are from, thanks! It will make the drawing tomorrow easier, you see?
Hi, Linda from California, here's my joke,
"How does a tree get on the internet?
it logs in"
I have the best off-color joke, but I will keep it clean
What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?
They both have little boys pants half off this week.
Still a bit off color, I suppose. But that is as clean as my sense of humor can be.
You mentioned Groucho Marx and it reminded me of a quote of his that I just used in my cabaret:
“Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.”
Sorry I'm late, I'm cm from Toronto, and I stole this from my friend Pooky:
Two muffins are sitting in a microwave. The first one turns to the second and says, "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" The second one says, "Holy cow, a talking muffin!"
Good lord! I wuz going to read thru the comments and see if anyone else had posted my joke yet...till I saw how many there were!
Ok, here is mine.
Hi, I am fiwa and I'm from sunny Seattle Washington!
That's my joke. Get it?! Ok, ok... here's my real one:
There was a blonde that lived in a house on the corner of 4th Avenue.
She had a small shed in her yard where she kept gardening tools. One day she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed, so she called 911.
911 answered and said "911, is this an emergency?"
The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" The 911 operator said, "Don't panic help is on the way. Where do you live?"
The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"
The 911 operator calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"
The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
Hey, Gary. Hi, I'm Ruthie from Ontario, Canada....Joke for the PGA fans!
Did you know that I can hit a golf ball 400 yards?
Nah!
Yep, 200 yards up and 200 yards down!
Tee hee!
here's one for you, Gary!
Did you hear about the potter's apprentice that melted a whole kiln load of ware?
He got fired!
Q: Why did God call the woman, "woman"?
A: Because when Adam saw Eve he said, "Woah-man!"
Q: What has six eyes and seven teeth?
A: The night-shift at the Waffle House.
Oh, I forgot my introduction!
Hi, I'm Tink and I'm an alco- wait.
I'm from "sunny" Florida. ;)
Oh Gawd, Tink!
And you're fired!
This is fantastic, thanks everybody!
I'm having so much fun over here!
Hi Gary, this is Newt from St. Paul Minnesota.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Wade
Wade who?
Wade up little Susie!
and one more
Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
tres brilliant, Newt, and 50 comments? Never seen before here! Thanks!
Hi Gary! My name is Fortune Cookies, I'm from Tennessee. I love this idea! Oh what fun!!! Ok, ok, here's mine: Have you ever smelled moth balls?
Yeah? Well, how'd you get their tiny little legs apart?
:)
Wow the response is huge! Awesome! I however, can't think of any now. :( Lately, the jokes I've been hearing are too dirty for here. I'll be back.
Here's an old favourite .. .ish:
Once upon a time in the future, the lovely Missus Pottersblog took the frail, elderly Mister Pottersblog to a nursing home. After she got him settled in, she hugged and kissed him goodbye, and left him for the day.
The following morning, the nurses bathed him, fed him a tasty breakfast of "spectacular peanut butter and jam muffins," and set him in a chair in the lounge overlooking a wonderful collection of whimsical pottery.
He seemed ok, but after a while he slowly started to tilt sideways in his chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch him and straighten him up.
Again he seemed fine, but after a while he slowly started to tilt over to his other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought him back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, Missus Pottersblog arrived to see how her husband was adjusting to his new home.
"So Mister Pottersblog, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," he replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
Hey there. I'm Brenda from Las Vegas. Maybe you shouldn't share with a 10 year old???
This 70 year-old guy went to the doctor because he was having some problems and the doctor told him he would need a sample (semen) and gave him a glass jar and told him to bring it back tomorrow with the sample.
The next morning the old man shows up with a clean empty jar. The doctor asks what was the problem.
The old guy says, well, first I tried and tried and I couldn't do it so I called my wife in. First she used her right hand, then she used her left hand, then she even tried her mouth, but no luck.
So, then I call over our neighbor, Norma and she tried too, but, still just no luck.
The doctor was shocked with this and asked: "you called your neighbor and she was willing to help you with this?"
And the old guy replied, "Yep, but even Norma couldn't get the lid off the jar!"
Yuka, yuka, yuka!
Okay, this is making me come back...
Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish!
How to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
And now, for some one-liners from Steven Wright who just cracks me up:
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh!!!"
I installed a skylight in my apartment . . . the people who live above me are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
Okay - I am sorry - but aren't they a hoot???
Hi again, Brenda from Las Vegas, who thinks there should be a ban on blond jokes!
Here's another from me though just in case my first one was too sensitive for the 10 year old!
A cowboy is coming home from the range and finally makes it to the gate of his ranch. He get's off his horse to open the gate and notices a frog that is talking. "Hey, Mister, I am really a beautiful princess and if you give me a kiss, your wish is my command."
Well the cowboy doesn't answer, but picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and proceeds to open and close the gate and gets back on his horse to head for the barn. "Hey, Mister, really, I am a beautiful princess and if you just kiss me, I will do anything, and I mean anything."
The cowboy he just keeps riding and doesn't say a word. Finally, the frog/princesss is getting a little upset and says, "listen, Mister, I know I look like a frog here, but this horrible witch cast a spell on me and if you would just kiss me, I will turn back into the beautiful princess I am and will please you for the rest of your life, so, please, come on, just one little kiss, okay, don't you want a beautiful princess to fill your every desire?"
The cowboy he thinks on this for a minute and then says: "Naw, I think I would rather have a talking frog!"
Yes, they ARE a hoot, and again, let's try to remember: not too adult (BRENDA! although it was pretty darn funny about the lid! and Hillary!!!!!! Couldn't you have used yourself rather than US? Har!)
OK, how about Jeff Foxworthy:
"If you're mowing your lawn, and you find a car, you might just be a redneck.
If your daddy walked you to school everyday, because you were in the same grade, you might just be a redneck.
If the bartender asks you for ID and you show him your belt buckle, you might just be a redneck!"
LOL, I just re-read Knight's joke about the 2 guys who walked into the bar, and the 3rd one ducked...
And I just got it.
Whoops!!!
Apparently the coffee hadn't kicked in yet. :)
Okay, this one is very slightly off-color but kind of cute:
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barder says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
J from Minnesota again: (I'm loving this too)
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
Hey, it was clean! I can't help what's in your mind!!!
A few more, compliments of my Prairie Home Companion "Pretty Good Joke" tapes:
_______________________
Baby snake: Are we poisonous?
Mommy snake: Yes, we are - why?
Baby snake: I think I just bit my tongue!
__________________
I stayed in such a low class hotel a couple of weeks ago. I called up the front desk and told them I had a leak in my sink. And the guy said, "Go ahead."
_______________________
My grandmother started walking 5 miles a week when she turned 60.
She's 97 and we don't know where the heck she is!
_______________________
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.
________________________
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.
_______________________
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.
_______________________
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to change it, and 3 to complain that it's electric.
___________________________
How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
__________________________
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
_________________________
{Here's a timely one:}
How is a divorce in North Dakota like a hurricane in Florida?
Either way, you lose the trailer.
_________________________
Why do they put bells on cows?
Because their horns don't work!
He hated the book!
Twinkies!
Well, Brenda....
and KIM!
I am thinking we all have a different idea of what we might tell a ten year old?
OK, keep on rollin', this is GLORIOUS.
good ones KC!
Here's an original one that SuperDad made up in July (long car rides will do that to you):
___________________________
Why did the joke limp across the road?
It was lame.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is terrific, but there's no atmosphere!
_______________________
What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
_________________________
How do you get down from an elephant?
Ummm...you don't get down from an elephant, silly! You get down from a GOOSE.
Since the prize is a piggy bank, I thought this was appropriate.
Gary,
You have created a sensation! You've got me obsessed with coming back to read more of these jokes...The nervous wreck joke made me laugh out loud - it hit my funny bone just right!
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier . . . I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it . . . it feels real."
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
Why Gary - I do believe this is the most posts you've ever had, isn't it?
I've been checking back every now and again and Jim and I can't believe how the numbers just keep growing.
But what we want to know is...where the heck is Greg and Gordo and Denis and Celeste! My God - I'm sure Celeste must have at least 'one' clean joke! lol
Funny you should ask, kate et jim, as I was just going through the list in the hopes that I'd remember at least one clean joke, and...nope, not a one.
Thanks Knight! That's hilarious! A guy bank? A banker bank?
And KC--your husband invented a classic, and Lynda and everybody, keep it coming!
Celeste is not exactly known for being, um, ladylike.
OK, here's a good one, courtesy of my wife Maude, from a school magazine in 1970:
A guy locks himself out of his convertible. He calls the dealer:
"help, I'm locked out of my convertible, which is the easiest window to replace? I have to smash one and open the door!"
Dealer says: "Don't break anything, we'll come right over and help you out!"
Guy says: "Well please hurry, because it looks like rain, and I left the top down and I don't want the seats to get wet."
Thanks everybody for helping make this so much fun!
Okay! Okay, I got one more...
What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on the ant?
Dead-ant, Dead-ant, Dead-ant! Dead-ant! Dead-ant! Dead-ant, Deeeeead-annnnt! [get it? Gotta'a say it to the Pink Panther tune! ;-D]
This is Mrs. Pottsblog and I'm from New York.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
Amosquito bit me.
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Andy
Andy who?
Andy bit me again
I'm laughing so hard at some of these, I can't think of anything funny. Looks like everybody wants your pottery!
Mrs. Potsblog killed me with the mosquito joke! Yikes we have them a might bad! But, luckily no Gustov. Though, there are Ike, and Josephine comin' round the mountain! LOL! [OK, not so laugh at that part!]
Whew! Great contest/game!
If you have a bee in your hand, what is in your eye?
Beauty! 'Cause beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Why don't sharks bite lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
I'm Michelle from Nanaimo, British Columbia, CANADA, eh? And I posted the two previous comments and forgot to post my name and locale. D'oh!
Okay... Way back in the times of the wild west, a cowboy walked into a saloon wearing a paper hat, paper shirt, paper vest, paper pants, paper chaps and paper boots.
The bartender looked up and said, "Jed! Golly! Where you been?"
Cowboy said, "They've had me locked up in the big house"
Bartender says, "No way! What fer?"
Cowboy responds, "Rustlin'"
I'm Stacey from Portland(ish), OR. I'd LOVE to leave a joke here, but I don't know any. I get lots of jokes played on my certainly. I laugh uproariously when people TELL me jokes, but sadly, I can't remember them for 5 minutes, AND I can't deliver them if I write them down.
So...
I can tell you the latest joke played upon me by my "good" dog. I thought he was a good dog, but yesterday morning, while romping in my den with the "bad" dog, "good" dog PEED on "bad" dog. That was dandy.
(I totally know this doesn't qualify, but I didn't want you to think I was ignoring your fab idea! Good luck to all the entrants!)
It's late but I just had to add another joke...Brenda from LV
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Brenda from Vegas again...I can't sleep cuz I keep thinking of more jokes...
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Okay, promise last one for tonight--Brenda-Vegas:
An old lady goes to her doctor and tells him of the problem she is having. "Doctor, this is really embarrassing but I have this awful problem. I have gas all the time and I can't control it at all. Fortunately, they are silent and don't smell or I would really be embarrassed. As a matter of fact I have let off four farts, just while in the office here with you. I need your help."
The doctor gives her a prescription and tells her to take it everyday and then come back in a week, that he is certain he can help her with her little problem.
The next week the old lady is in his office and she is very upset. "Doctor, the pills didn't help at all in fact it's worse because now I am farting just as much as ever and though still silent they are deadly and smell putrid!"
The doctor smiled and said, "now that I have your sense of smell fixed, I'll work on your hearing!"
Another favourite. I'll keep you out of it this time. ;)
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Stacy, your dog story counts, you're entered!
That one with Sherlock Holmes and the tent? Hoowhee!
Excellent job everybody, and we'll go a few more hours until 3pm est!
BTW--I read once that anthropologists have found that from Finland and the arctic, to Africa, to New Guinea to South America--one thing is universal for all humans: people everywhere think fart jokes are funny!!!!! I swear I am not making this up.
Nance, from Groton- my husband told me this one:
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the
same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on
the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and
says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was
wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a
better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
This one is just for you Gary,
What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?
Mr. President.
Another one for Gary!
What happens when our potter friend has a bit too much Canadian beer?
He gets all FIRED up and gets this GLAZED look in his eyes!!
(That's an original made up by ME...MOI!!)
!!!!!
WOW!!!!! the response you've had is fantastic!!!!!!!! This is so fun and funny. didy ou know you'd get so many replies???? I know the prize is grand but WOW.......You my dear one...are liked...alot!
Here's one more:
Megan refuses to get out of bed.
" I can't go to school" she says " the kids make fun of me,
and the teachers hate me and I have way too much work to do"
"Megan you have to go to school" her mother says.
"You're the principal."
lol
Did anyone tell the one about the priest, the rabbai and the bishop?
They are talking one day about tithing. The priest draws a big circle on the ground and says, "We should throw the money up in the air and what lands outside the circle we give to God." The bishop says, "No we should throw the money in the air and what lands IN the circle we give to God." Then the rabbai says, "No no no, we throw the money up in the air and whatever God wants, he keeps!"
(I don't know many clean jokes. Sad isn't it?)
Thanks folks. TT-I was hoping for 25 jokes, and here is nearly a hundred!!!!! Be cool if we get there.
Oops I forgot to say, I'm Maggie and I'm from Quebec Canada
Gary, you have well over a hundred jokes here, because some of us posted multiple jokes in each comment! (Even if I had to listen to my joke tape while tapping away at the keyboard!)
In answer to your question posted over at my place, YES! you may indeed upload a pic of yourself and try out those cat-eye glasses! *snicker* yearbookyourself.com lets you choose male or female options, so you can do both, if you really want to!
That probably doesn't count as a joke...unless you post pics of yourself. :)
Okay...I'm Janean from Ohio. Here's my joke.
MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in school today?
FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink!
SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink!
THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof!
MOTHER PIG: What?
THIRD PIGLET: I'm taking a foreign language.
Wilson Boyce, Groton, NY (6 years old)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Water?
Water who?
Water you doing?
Hi there!
My name is Clyde and I'm from Plano, TX. Here's my 2 cents -laugh- contribution:
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it. "
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write it down," she says.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down -- I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream! I got it, for goodness' sake!"
He toddles off to the kitchen. Twenty minutes later the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, "Where's my toast?"
Have a nice day!
Omg-Gary you are so popular! This is all I've got. I normally rely on others to make me laugh. :D
Jessica from GA:
How do you hide money from a Hippie?
Put it under the soap.
What's green and very loud?
a frog horn
oops, Hi, I'm Linda from California, and my frog joke is above.
I think Linda was number 100!
And TWO NEWCOMERS, Clyde and
Janean!
Hi, I'm Linda from California.
When is your cat most likely to run from your house?
When you leave the door open.
What a good idea. When I came here yesterday I drew a blank, then again today. I read some trying to be inspired. Here is what I got. (I hope it is not a repeat)
I am g-man from Maryland.
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Hi Gary, I'm taking this as a sign that 100 is a very lucky number.
I'm Linda from California,
Why aren't beagles (hint, hint) good dancers?
because they have two left feet
Hi I'm Linda from California,
Once there were 5 pigs who decided to go to a bar. Two went into the bar and the bartender asked them what they would have. They said 5 beers, drank them down and asked where the bathroom was, bartender said down the hall.
Then two more pigs went into the bar, bartender asked them what they would have. They asked what did the other two pigs have, bartender said 5 beers, so these two little pigs said they would have 10 beers, they drank them and asked where the bathroom was, the bartender said down the hall.
The last little pig went into the bar and bartender asked him what he would have. Little pig asked what the other pigs had, bartender said first two pigs had 5 beers, second two pigs had 10 beers, so last little pig said he would have 15 beers and he drank them down.
Then the last little pig started eating peanuts on the bar and the bartender said don't you want to know where the bathroom is? The last little pig said
No, I'm the one who goes wee, wee, wee all the way home.
Linda probably figures that pigs and beagles are worth BONUS POINTS with me!
Just 3 more hours, thanks everybody!
Brenda from Vegas
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup.."
Vegas Brenda
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
Bob!
What do you call a lady with only a right arm and leg?
Ilene!
I've lurked here, but never commented til now.
Did you hear about the new restaurant they opened on the moon? The food is great, but I guess there's no atmosphere.
Actually my favorite joke is too long to type. The punchline is "No, that's just ice cream!"
Peace an Love aka Brenda in Vegas:
Okay, did I tell you this is the best therapy of all?
A couple of jokes about Senior Drivers:
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
#######
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Agan, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
!!!!!
One and a half hours left!
I'm hyperventilating here! I'm so excited I couldn't sleep all night!
Here little piggy....
lol - I love that Clowncar just gave us a punchline! This has been big, big fun!
Is it time? Is it time? Is it time yet!!!????
If NY is two hours ahead of Texas -- then, I'm thinking it's time? And, you are video the drawing as we speak? Yes?
One more pig joke before you close up:
A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No wonder that mama pig is so big," she yelled. "Theres a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!"
knight! That was cute!!!
did i win yet??
One last one- For the Single girls!
Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.
Ha-Ha!!! If you compile this list gary maybe you can email it to those who want a copy?
Okay, I'm multi-tasking so I can be right here waiting for the drawing!!!!
DONE! 3PM
OMG, I'm late. I couldn't use the computer at work to post this.
Well, maybe, Gary, you can give a special mention or something.
I'm Barbara Martin from Toronto, and this is my joke entry:
An airplane is going to crash.
All the passengers have left except for four:
Harper, a priest, an old man and a young girl.
There are three parachutes.
The old man says he doesn’t deserve to die, as his children and grandchildren need him.
Harper gives the old man a parachute who gratefully jumps out the open door. Then Harper says, “As Prime Minister, my country needs me,” snatches a parachute and jumps.
The priest looks at the young girl and tells her there are people who still need his services as a man of God.
She looks at him and says, “It’s okay, you can have a parachute. There are two left.”
“What do you mean there are two left. Harper and the elderly man took two parachutes. There is only one left.”
“No, there are two. Harper grabbed my knapsack.”
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