Potter's Blog

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

2008-09-24T13:32:00.007-04:00

Post 3,333. And that's it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Blogger tells me I am out of space!!!!!!!!!! Time for a new pottersblog.
Go to: http://grpottersblog3.blogspot.com/ NOT WORDPRESS!

Gardening with Gary: KIDS, DON'T DO THIS AT HOME

2008-09-24T10:00:00.004-04:00

(my HOUSE, and my weed patch)
I was heading out into the studio a minute ago, and poor Spike. I had closed the door, and it wouldn't close all the way, and I hear hissing from the other side, and I look down and see a grey bit sticking through the door: Spike had tried to follow me (not allowed in the studio or outside, but he has been pushing it lately, as cats do) and got his paw stuck in the door and then Penny jumped on him when I opened the door (she doesn't like cats to hiss) then Emily, the other cat jumped on Penny who howled........ Jaysus. Well, I picked up poor Spike, and he was purring, and I set him down to give him a bowl of crunchies to apologize, and he dumped over the water dish with his sore foot by accident, so he was upset about THAT, but a bowl of crunchies cures all, that's for sure.

ANYWAY, I have to plant some flowers in the messy flower bed today, good for next year. Maybe I should weed a bit?

You can see I am ready for Art Trail, Open Studio weekends in October: COME VISIT ME! Last year I was surprised by Kate and Jim and Tracy!

Kiln Mojo restored

2008-09-24T06:38:00.003-04:00

(wee little vases and a crock and spoon rest for TT)
Looks like a good firing yesterday, so Farmer's Wife, I think you'll be hearing from me about your order...
TT asked for a red kitchen utensil crock and spoon rest, which you see pictured, but I threw on a beagle for free (most generous of me!)
So, I think, if the planets and stars are playing games with us all, we need to relax, but make sure we cross our t's and dot our i's.

Rat is Dead

2008-09-24T06:37:00.000-04:00

By CSS. EXCELLENT. From Brazil. Not exactly Hall and Oates....

Flake Report: Mercury is in Retrograde-- it all makes sense now

2008-09-23T16:50:00.003-04:00

The missus tells me we are in for a crappy stretch here, beginning a few days ago. An astrological site here on the web tells us (so it must be TRUE!)

At 07:18 UT (Universal Time), on Wednesday, September 24th, 2008, Mercury the cosmic trickster turns retrograde in Libra, the sign of the Scales, sending communications, travel, appointments, mail and the www into a general snarlup! This awkward period begins a few days before the actual turning point (as Mercury slows) and lasts for three weeks or so, until October 15, just after the Full Moon in Aries.

So basically, don't try to do anything, and reports are that this is an especially devilish Mercury retro-whatever.

groovy celebs of the day: Tina and Yogi

2008-09-23T11:48:00.003-04:00

Yogi and Tina had big weekends. Yogi Berra was on hand to say goodbye to Yankee Stadium, and Tina Fey won a bucketload of well-deserved Emmys.
Yogi is famous for, other than being one of baseball's greatest players AND managers, his loopy comments and quotes, such as: "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
And Tina......well, Tina.....congrats. Keep it up Tina, and maybe one day you'll pass Susan Sarandon as my favorite.....well, you know.

restoring the karmic balance

2008-09-23T09:53:00.002-04:00

(Mister Pottersblog, his smily sunny mug, his kiln, and a little something for Laura next week)
SO, as I say below, I am trying to tip the karmic balance back to happy skippy. Flowers for the wife yesterday? Check. A little ducky pencil topper for Laura (shipped next week) check.
The result? Cold may be easing, muffins were NOT burned this time and are most tasty, and most importantly, tore apart the guts of my kiln early this morning and put it back together again. Burned out connector and loose thermocouple wires. Few things depress a potter more than a kiln problem, and soooooo, fingers crossed today---because there are orders in there for Farmer's Wife, Lynda and Cheri (and Laura!).

Oktoberfest!

2008-09-23T06:27:00.002-04:00

(stein by Gary Rith and a 25 ounce Foster's oil can)
J asks if I make beer steins, and SURE I DO! This is a cute one, I think, but would it hold 25 ounces????

le primitive

2008-09-23T06:26:00.001-04:00

(items by Gary Rith)
Tink's weekly word challenge is for primitive! Hey, I've made primitive.

Friday..

2008-09-23T06:22:00.002-04:00

...I'm in love again, a video request for The Cure from Holley. Did you know that their singer Robert Smith, now almost 50, met his wife when he was 14 and they have been together since and he sings these songs for her? That's cute! Holley herself, now a mother and in her 30s, met her husband when she was 15 and a high schooler!

REVERSING the bad KARMA

2008-09-22T19:24:00.002-04:00

(flowers for the missus, Penny and Emily)
I was kind of feeling LOW this morning. Yesterday I burned the heck out of my peanut butter and jam muffins and worse yet, the KILN broke horribly (hopefully I can fix it). I was thinking:
a) if you fall off your horse, GET BACK ON, so made more muffins--perfecto this time
b) I need to reverse some bad karma, SO I got some flowers for the missus at the farm stand (eek! I havn't done this in soooo long!) AND I took a premium blue vase off the shelf in the studio and brought them to her new office at Cornell. Therefore, the people in her office think maybe I am a great guy, maybe SHE thinks I am a great guy, etc, and maybe the people in the new office want to buy one of my vases. That makes the flowers a tax deduction AND hopefully a little good karma too.

mememememememememe!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-22T09:16:00.004-04:00

I gotta RUN but first: thanks Giggles! A small and fun meme

1. Think of all your exes. Would you take any of them back?
There is a reason they are EXES. I have no doubt they are all looking quite aged and bitter and would be most jealous of my wife.

2. What was the first car you drove? What happened to it?
AN MG convertible, yeow!!!!!!!!!!

3. What’s the longest amount of time you have driven a car non-stop?
Chicago to New York A FEW TIMES but also Miami to New York once, which I think was almost 24 hours......

4. Have you ever been stood up on a date? If yes, when?
HA! what is a date? Never had one....

5. What TV network do you watch the most?
Zip.
Netflix!!!!

6. Pick out a song you like that has special meaning to you. Share with us what song is it, and what’s the meaning to you. Psycho Killer by the Talking heads. Quest que cest, or whatever.

7. Who was your first celebrity crush on?
Maryan and Ginger!!!!! MARCIA BRADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. What is your favorite romantic comedy movie?
That Christmas movie, Love Actually!

9. It has been said, "First Loves Are Never Over." Is this true for you? Well, when I was 5 or 6, there was Sally, and her life, according to my parents, has been rocky, although she IS a millionaire. If you are rich but your life is horrible, what does that mean? Better to be a poor slob with me, right Missus Pottersblog?

blech: little Mister Sunshine

2008-09-22T07:08:00.003-04:00

(cups by Gary Rith)
Ugh.
So, I struggle with the kiln all weekend, but something is WRONG and I finally shut the thing off last night, 200 degrees short of the end, it just isn't working, so tear it open later and try, AGAIN, to fix it. Dang. I have so much work that needs firing, and here's a delay, and YES Farmer's Wife, your order is stilled unfired...
AND I made an ingredients mistake and the peanut butter and jelly muffins are hard as rocks and burnt too AND I spent the night dreaming I had to move from Florida today.
Grump and groan. I'll make it better today.

Holley checks in

2008-09-22T07:03:00.003-04:00

When you are a famous blogger, the world makes demands, and Holley has a request. See that couch in the post below? Put yourself back 30 years, on that couch, in the basement rec room, faux wood paneling on the wall, ping pong table, hi fi stereo turntable, and orange shag carpet: I lived it and you did too. And here's Hall and Oates, thanks to Holley, sitting in that rec room, and singing for US.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

2008-09-21T18:52:00.004-04:00

(Penny and the ugliest couch on earth, gone to its maker, and a rather FAB pizza we just made)
Is this the FUGLIEST couch you have ever seen????????????????? FUGLY FUGLY FUGLY!!!!!
We were walking just now and the apartments on the corner had this in their dumpster. When we got up to it, some dude in a little black car was checking it out!!! As my wife said, 'that would be perfect on some frat's front porch!'. The dude took off when we got near. He was ashamed I am sure!
So, maybe circa 1974? Totally polyester? I mean, this thing is in pretty good shape, and it isn't entirely brown--note the little blue accent in the plaid. What is it about 70s stuff that reminds you off the inside of a baby's diaper?

In other news, we made TWO rather delicious pizzas. I made the dough---super-paper-thin, and the missus did the veg chopping. Pizza number two is ready when we get home late tomorrow from teaching class.

BTW---I am nearing post 3,333 in two years and one month at potsblog. Blogger tells me that I have reached 99% of my storage space. That's a whole lot of music videos and stupid photos!
I wonder what happens when I reach 100%? NEW BLOG! Le nuevo pottersblog!

Priscilla Queen of the Desert

2008-09-21T11:28:00.003-04:00

I loved To Wong Fu... and now I've seen Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. A drag queen road trip. You always wonder why Terence Stamp isn't in more movies, he's incredible. The other two girls are fantastic. I must say, CAMP is sooooo funny: the zebra prints, the bright colors, the gowns and headgear. It is a bit of a sweet love story too.
The regular guy gives this one 9 thumbs up out of ten, a big round of applause too.

2 cute girls

2008-09-21T06:45:00.003-04:00

(Penny and Missus Pottersblog)
Now she will be mad I called her a girl. I am a bit reckless, as I post madly whether anyone wants to be posted or not, and the Missus prefers NOT.
But she had a hair trim yesterday, looks cute eh?

Someone asked yesterday how we met. Maude ran a gallery and open studios at the University of Illinois in Chicago where I was a grad student. In 1989 she sponsored the first gallery exhibit I was ever in, and I was on the poster! My pottery was anyway. And later I started working in that studio, teaching classes etc and we were friends for a long time and then started a thing in 1992 and then couldn't wait and so got married Christmas 1992. A long long time ago.

2008-09-21T06:43:00.000-04:00

(pots by Gary Rith)
Some new things, including an angel mug for Chatty...

Wings: Silly love songs

2008-09-20T16:10:00.001-04:00

(Gary and Maude Rith)
For Missus Pottersblog, I give you Sir Paul singing it better than I can

more HAWT stuff

2008-09-20T07:40:00.004-04:00

I wake up thinking "Thelma or Louise? Cary Grant or Gregory Peck?"
Me? I would definately pick Susan Sarandon over Gina Davis, although Gina is mighty cute. With apologies to my wife, I'd wash Susan's convertible any day.
Peck and Grant is more difficult. I admire both guys a lot, but I think young Cary Grant was the MOST dapper actor ever, but Gregory had many better roles and movies.

HAWT stuff

2008-09-20T07:36:00.002-04:00

(pots by Gary Rith)
The Ithaca Art Trail, 2 October weekends where the world comes to ME is around the corner. To kick the studio tours off is a large party and exhibition at State of the Art Gallery downtown. I need something HAWT to bring customers to ME, my studio, where they will spend bucketloads of cash so I can buy food for my cats. And dogs.
Obviously, it has to be a special piece, one that is UBER GARY, so I made this teaset and I think it looks pretty HAWT.

Spike the cat and his beautiful mistress

2008-09-19T07:24:00.010-04:00

(Missus Pottersblog and Spike)
She'll ask 'why are you taking my picture? you're not going to BLOG this are you?' To which I am silent, maybe hum a few bars of that Minnie Ripperton song "Loving you, is easy cause you're beautiful..." then she asks 'well, you'll let me look at these first, WON'T YOU?' and then maybe I will sing something by Paul McCartney like 'some people wanna filll the world with silly love songs....what's wrong with that, I'd like to know.....'.
I thought I would post these pics before she had a chance to realize what was going on.
Better to apologize in life than ask permission, eh?

And I say Rock ON.......

2008-09-19T07:24:00.007-04:00

(Mister Pottersblog shows some appreciation for Van Halen)
It seems clear that Pottersblog visitors might say 'ho hum, more beautiful and cute pottery' or maybe 'ho hum, more cute pets'. Visitors here seem to get excited by the participatory stuff, where YOU get to weigh in. To vote on the issues.

More important than the White House, what divides this country is Metallica vs. Van Halen. Or maybe it is only my fluffy little brain that thinks this is important. But tell us:
Van Halen or Metallica? Vote early and often, please.....

The Cradle Will Rock here by Van Halen has ALL the bells and whistles: the HAIR, the BARE CHEST, the TIGHT LYCRA BODY SUIT THAT LEAVES NOTHING to the imagination, esp. when David struts up to the camera for a closeup, and yes, the fuzzy white boots...

and Metallica's Nothing Else Matters....

ducky cuppy #1

2008-09-19T07:24:00.004-04:00

(cup by Gary Rith)
Cheri and her daughter Laura asked about a duck cup, and this guy is the first. I glazed it light blue and light green for that sort of pond look. I think it goes 'one down, 30 to go'. Cheri and Laura need a lot of ducky cuppys.

Emily: Kitten Le Blob

2008-09-19T07:24:00.001-04:00

We were just given a new quilt. The minute you put that thing on the bed BOOM, cat jumps on and starts to shed dark hair on the light colored cloth.

Thursday advanced class

2008-09-17T21:53:00.009-04:00

With me at Cornell. This is a totally posed picture of Jenine, Susannah, Katie and me. (hope I spelled those names right!)
ANYWAY, it was a most excellent class--handles this week! Next week lids! Katie is working on some bird houses and aren't they absolutely cute???????

checking in with Nancy at Thou Art

2008-09-17T21:53:00.007-04:00

(my cow bowl at Thou Art Gallery, more of my things plus books made by Missus Pottersblog, and Nancy Boyce, the artist who owns Thou Art Gallery)
I went up to see Nancy and buy our coffee on a pretty day, and she was painting some of her gorgeous pieces and we gossiped and talked art and what a fab little former church now gallery that it is.

checking in with the world's worst gardener

2008-09-17T21:53:00.005-04:00

We had various unidentified plants and weeds out there this year. None of our tomatoes ripened early, or on time, but there are all these green things out there this week and FROST is expected in the coming nights. Maybe some of these guys will ripen on the window sill, and maybe next year I will read a book about growing a garden....

news from My Bloody Valentine

2008-09-17T21:53:00.003-04:00

You've probably been wondering, as I have, what is up with My Bloody Valentine. They produced one noisy excellent little album in the early nineties, and have apparently been fiddling around since. Well, according to the New Yorker, they're back. And here's a noisy little something for breakfast.

VIKING KITTIES sing Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin

2008-09-17T21:53:00.001-04:00

\m/

CM suggests.....

down on the farm

2008-09-17T16:03:00.000-04:00

OK, last pics of my parents' place. And ME!

2008-09-17T15:58:00.000-04:00

More shots of me around the parents' place.

more down on the farm

2008-09-17T15:55:00.001-04:00

My dad turned the upper barn into a very nice year-round studio for painting watercolors.

sell the farm?

2008-09-17T09:00:00.003-04:00

(Mister Pottersblog down on the farm, an hour east of Ithaca)
My mom just called to tell me that they are going to try to sell the farm. 3 years ago, due to HORRIBLE winters (which are the norm in upstate NY--see pic above), health problems, and the fact that mid-70s leads to the age of 80, they bought a house in town, 17 miles from the farm, which is NEXT DOOR TO THE HOSPITAL. Seems like a good move, but then they couldn't bear to list the farm, so stayed there, for now.
But it is inevitable that 2 aging folks would prefer to leave the extremely remote country place with the driveway that is about a kilometer long (and often under several feet of snow) which is miles from the nearest village of 300 people, and 17 miles from town.
So, do I feel sad? Well, the place has not sold yet. But you can see that I have had fun there. I did not grow up on this land, I was living in Chicago and in my mid-20s when they moved there.
The place has:
-a river
-a creek and small waterfall
-huge hills, HUGE
-its own very clean pond, which is very good for swimming, boating, it is stocked with trout etc, and you don't have to share it with anybody
-a barn-with a brand new studio/apartment on the upper floor
-a garage
-a small A frame house
-a wood shed
-2 old outhouses
-a boat house
-about 33 acres of meadow for hay
-60 acres of woods with miles of trails
-old apple orchard
-old Christmas tree farm--they have gotten pretty tall though
-no neighbors---it is surrounded by 5000 acres of state forest, and more hills and rivers
-the tractor is only 5 years old and comes with a grader, bucket loader, grass cutter, huge snow blower, a trailer and is wicked good fun

I am not a woodsy person, and I could not afford to buy the place, heck, I couldn't even afford the yearly tax bill! But, you know, things change, so I will say my goodbyes.
And it hasn't sold QUITE yet.

MIL comes to town

2008-09-17T07:00:00.003-04:00

(cups by Gary Rith)
My mother-in-law graduated from Cornell, right here in Ithaca, 55 or more years ago, and she is visiting us for a couple of days. I won't say my mother-in-law is a party animal, but she is a whole lot of fun, esp. for a lady pushing 80. Or even if she was only pushing 30. I adore her.
Joe's Restaurant was here in the 30's, and it is still here. Different Joe, but still Joe's. In her freshman year, my MIL returned home at Christmas and told her father she had racked up 300 dollars in charges at Joe's (!!! a fortune!!! esp. in the late 1940s!) and her father told her to get a job....
We go to Joe's tonight.

Insane in the Membrane

2008-09-17T06:56:00.002-04:00

By Cypress Hill. The dancing, the scratching, and that little WHIRR sound. \m/

The Kite Runner: A regular guy review

2008-09-16T21:28:00.002-04:00

The Kite Runner is about 2 young boys in Afghanistan before and after the Soviet invasion and the Taliban takeover. Although it has a happy ending, you are not a happy viewer: at least twice I wanted to stop the movie and do something else.
Sure, a great movie, but no walk in the park. I can't give any thumbs up or down for this one. It is too painful.
Be glad you don't live in a place like Afghanistan, then or now.

READERS POLL: Hard Rock

2008-09-16T09:05:00.004-04:00

(Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam)
Readers always amaze and amuse me. All those people down there voting on the Beatles and Zeppelin? OK, let's do it again:
What Hard Rockers do you prefer?????????? I think I know how most people will vote. Vote for your favorite, or rank all 3. UPDATE: Denis doesn't know Godsmack, poor boy. Go to this video link for the Pottersblog video of the YEAR 2006: Godsmack's 'Speak'. GIRLS!! Cars!!! Guitars!!!! Heavy METAL HEAVEN!!!!

A) Pearl Jam
B) Godsmack
C) The Bee Gees

Here's the Bee Gees 'Mend a Broken Heart' to help you with your choice....

weekly word photo challenge: she/he, him/her, male/female

2008-09-16T06:45:00.002-04:00

Tink's weekly photo challenge is something about male and female, man and woman. There are so many obvious choices, BUT as I wandered across Cornell's campus yesterday, the modern sculptures screamed for inclusion.
YES, Cornell's art museum has Two Naked Guys Cafe, and there are 2 lifesize bronze naked guys in the cafe. Then I saw this naked lady outside the library. It is a cubist naked lady, but if you look closely, you realize, from the right angle, that she is in kind of a lewd position. Or not, depending on your imagination. Maybe it's just a big bronze blob.

bowls for Newt!

2008-09-16T06:43:00.001-04:00

(bowls by Gary Rith)
Newt asked for some new pasta bowls--dogs and frogs, extra big servings.

@ Cornell Pot Shop

2008-09-16T06:41:00.001-04:00

Ellen, Lauren and Pat, advanced students of mine, making wicked good pots.

Led Zeppelin Immigrant Song

2008-09-15T19:23:00.003-04:00

All you people down there who voted for the Beatles, are you SURE????

ENGLISH INVASION and YOU

2008-09-15T13:38:00.003-04:00

I am a big Roger Daltry fan. The guy is cool, and you have to love the wee curls and BIG VOICE.
But Led Zeppelin's Kashmir just came on the radio and I was like, OH BOY. Let's have a petite poll, which do you like best, and you can rank them if you like:

a) Beatles
b) Rolling Stones
c) The Who
d) Led Zeppelin

Um, here's Zep's Kashmir live, and it may, um, sway your vote.....

waterfowl!!

2008-09-15T13:30:00.002-04:00

(pots by Gary Rith)
Cheri asked me about ducks, and I made and just shipped them a duck bowl. Then there was talk of ducky cuppys, and I made one of those and Cheri's daughter Laura thinks they might need about 30 of them.....thirty. Three-zero. Not blowing any surprises, am I? Anyway, Cheri, have a look at the top pic, the original is on the right, and I started glazing it, but then thought of 2 others---the curved sided, plus the back left, a little duck on the handle. Should we mix and match, so the potter doesn't get BORED? Laura, btw, you will be happy to know that outside my studio window today, I heard AND saw on the river behind the house: 3 cormorants, 7 ducks (mallards!), 2 blue herons and a snowy egret, and about a dozen Canadian geese. They are QUACKING up a storm, as some of them are heading south for the winter, and the eating behind my house on the river is good.
And Lynda asked about a puffin mug. This looks like an excellent puffin mug, even better later when the colors are added. I bought puffin cereal to use for inspiration, and my wife tells me it is a tax deduction.

Hurricane Ike and the constant honeymoon?

2008-09-15T07:03:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was close to record heat, or maybe even record heat, and yet it was humid (beastly!), in advance of Ike zipping up the central US. We were told to expect high winds but no rain, as the hurricane iteself would be to our west. Now, we did not suffer as people in Texas did, but for many hours last night we had winds like I cannot remember---a constant and steady roar of gusts. And the temps fell 30 degrees. Quite loud and disturbing.

It occurs to me, as I look at the fluff that is my life with Missus Pottersblog, that without kids, it might look like we have a honeymoon every day. Then you see a video like the one below and you wonder if anybody in this house is ever going to grow up.
But why would we? And we are lucky to have each other, for this extended adolescence/honeymoon.

a petite movie for Monday

2008-09-15T06:59:00.002-04:00

Sunday in the park with Penny

2008-09-15T06:57:00.002-04:00

Penny loves to swing on the tire swing. She's an adventurous girl. We bumped into Roxy and her mom Allison at the playground, and they had brought Penny's best friend Daisy. They live across the street, but ironically, we always meet at the park.

a petite joke

2008-09-14T06:44:00.003-04:00

What does an Irish girl standing against the wall call herself?

Eileen!

Ha! Get it? I hope so.

Feeling very good today myself. But I think we have to wonder how our friends in Texas are doing with this hurricaine Ike, and send them our hopes and prayers and help.

duck bowl

2008-09-14T06:42:00.001-04:00

(bowl by Gary Rith)
Cheri and her daughter Laura have a thing for ducks and I was inspired to try this out. Now I should make dozens, it looks pretty good!

Tina Fey and that other woman

2008-09-14T06:38:00.003-04:00

UPDATE: NBC pulled the youtube versions, but click here and you can see it.
The people at NBC aren't dummies. They knew they had a Sarah Palin look alike in house. It's a shame Tina Fey isn't on the real ticket, but LIVE FROM NEW YORK its

therapeutic piggies and ginger tea

2008-09-13T10:54:00.004-04:00

(teaset by Gary Rith and the man himself)
Yogi ginger tea is the bee's knees. It is like SPICY and clears the sinuses.
OK, check little pigs off the list.
I am in an exhibit next month and need something wicked speshul. I think if this teaset fires nicely it could be the one.

colds, kilns, and hallucinations

2008-09-13T06:46:00.002-04:00

Usually you hear me moan and whine about runny noses, stuffed head and my every-3-week cold. This one is bad, therefore I have been suffering it more stoically and quietly. I made the mistake of mowing the lawn yesterday morning before it rained, which made me feel like I'd been hit by a bus. So I didn't get much done yesterday, other than to fill the trash can with tissues. And read!
Colds give you wild dreams don't they? Plus I had gone to bed mad and angry about the kiln breaking down 30 miutes from completion. I managed to try to get some power into it to help it toward a finish, like a car with a flat driving 4 miles to the repair shop. A quick peek inside just now shows an excellent firing, but I dreamt of underfired pots. Later I will take the kiln apart for the second time this week....
but then I dreamed I was a high school senior. The first day. AND the prettiest and smartest girl in school asked me to prom. I hadn't thought of Glendi in over 25 years, but there she is asking me out to the prom last night. I was feeling pretty smug, like the cat who ate the canary and it was announced in the newspaper and everybody wondered about it and thought I was pretty special. EXCEPT for my best friend Stefan, who really was her boyfriend. Interesting this weaving of real events and dreamed events, but anyway, he wanted to kill me, and she actually treated me like a piece of furniture that could talk, so I was wondering if I was in some drama between them...
Yes, that is me down there.

a petite joke

2008-09-12T07:50:00.002-04:00

OK, so Missus Pottersblog tosses this one out this morning:
A virtuous man goes to church each week, gives his pennies to the homeless, cleans cat boxes at the SPCA and donates all of his old socks to the Salvation Army.
One day in church he prays: "God, I have been good and virtuous, maybe you could send me a sign that I am doing the right things? Maybe I could win the lottery?"
And so he leaves church, and week after week he cleans cat boxes at the SPCA and sometimes fills the water dishes, donates his old socks and even undies to the Salvation Army and sometimes passes out the occaisional nickel with the pennies to the homeless. But still, no sign from God.
In church he prays again: "God, I have been more virtuous than ever, will you ever send me a sign? It doesn't have to be Powerball, just winning the daily game would be sign enough."
As the virtuous man walks down the street, the clouds open and a heavenly voice booms:
"Meet me halfway. BUY a ticket!"

...in spring green...

2008-09-12T06:48:00.000-04:00

(frog and caterpillar stuff by Gary Rith)

Cornell advanced class, Thursday version

2008-09-12T06:42:00.002-04:00

My class late on Thursdays. Again, advanced students are fine tuning their skills and moving forward, as compared to the basics in beginners. Kaisa on the left is a veterinarian from Finland and has been my student for a few months. Susannah on the right went to high school in Santa Fe where there is a potter on every corner and EVERYBODY in high school takes pottery. Janine, left middle, is a music professor, and she had to teach a late class at 6:30, and she was covered with clay, including her hair, when she left! You can't see Jennifer the computer something-orother in the back right too well.
Next week, handles, yippee!

Black Uhuru

2008-09-12T06:38:00.002-04:00

Reggae Sunsplash 1984. I was listening to the Ithaca College reggae show yesterday and they kept playing tunes from this concert 24 years ago, and dang, with good reason. Bob Marley is soooo overplayed on the radio that you start to grit your teeth BUT it isn't his fault and there are so many other great reggae acts out there.

Introduce yourself, why don't you?

2008-09-11T08:53:00.002-04:00

Jessica from thoughtful reflections asked folks to introduce themselves. This blog receives hundreds (well, between 100-200) visitors a day, and not all of them could be spam. Probably.
Please go to comments and tell us, because I really wanna KNOW:

1. How was your day?

2. What are you going to eat for your next meal?

3. Have you ever built a snowman? How about a sand castle?

4. Cat or Dog?

5. Do you like telling jokes?

6. What/Who is your favorite musical artist, or band?

7. In what month were you born?

ducky cuppy!

2008-09-11T06:53:00.003-04:00

(by Gary Rith)
My pal Cheri's daughter Laura loves ducks, and so I am exploring ducks. It is a cute mug, not really a good picture of it though.
My other pal Lynda has requested further ornithological explorations, and I may be on the edge of a puffin breakthrough. Stay tuned.

40 out there right now?

2008-09-11T06:51:00.001-04:00

Buster, Penny and Emily. When the weather gets cool, unlikely inter-species friendships develop, for the sake of cuddling and staying warm!

Tilly and the Wall

2008-09-11T06:47:00.002-04:00

How many women sing in this band? No drums but a tap dancer instead? Tilly and the Wall, from Nebraska! Hey, Im from Nebraska!

Flushed Away!

2008-09-10T20:03:00.002-04:00

Just saw the cartoon Flushed Away--HYSTERICAL! Rita the rat is so cute! Roddy too! Gets in some good jokes at the expense of the French, who are of course, frogs. Every movie should be this funny. Give it a 8+ thumbs up out of ten.

book talk with the regular guy

2008-09-10T10:46:00.003-04:00

Kent Haruf and Ernesto Quinonez are authors so good you could eat their books with hot fudge and whipped cream.
Last spring, my wife went to a reading of Ernesto's, and then read 'Bodega Dreams'. I finished it Sunday--holy cats, what storytelling. He grew up in Spanish Harlem and was a teacher, and the book follows kids who are gang bangers and kids who study and want to move up, and you realize that it is like reading The Great Gatsby, where Jay Gatz wants to be something much bigger and better, for himself and his object of affection. 4 weeks ago me and the missus were eating pastries and coffee at a bakery, and we talked with Ernesto, because he lives around here, and next time I see him I can rave about his book like an idiot.
Kent Haruf wrote Plainsong and now Eventide about people in a small ranch town. It makes you cry the way he tells of good people and the bad and the noble and the luckless. So I was up late finishing Eventide, and the ending has some happy spots, but is mostly pretty darn sad......
Regular guy lucked out--2 books this weekend, both perfect tens.

jars big and little!

2008-09-10T07:26:00.002-04:00

(pottery by Gary Rith)
Dang, busy day here. A boat load of pots to finish AND glaze, including pots for Newt, Farmer's Wife and Cheri and Chatty too.....
AND a load of messages and blogs to cruise. Where's the coffee pot?

scenes around the purple house

2008-09-10T07:23:00.004-04:00

(the river behind our house, well, Fall Creek actually, and the morning glories taking over the porch)

SMILEY FACES

2008-09-10T07:21:00.002-04:00

By Gnarls Barkley. I woke up after dreaming that my wife were traveling and got seperated and lost at an airport and awoke to a very cold house (42 outside!) and my head and chest are stuffy. Well, coffee helps with that.
But so do 'Smiley Faces'.

Spike hosts a petite Oktoberfest for the regular guy beer reviewer

2008-09-09T18:51:00.004-04:00

Me and the missus were walking through downtown Chicago when we lived there, in September of 1993, at Adams and State, and the streets were closed around the Berghoff and people were tanking up on beers and brats and it was quite joyous and wonderful. My God, why wouldn't you want to have beers on a nice September afternoon, closing down streets, midweek in the exact center of one of the biggest cities of the world? So, that is where we learned that Oktoberfest is held actually in September. According to a few drunks who cheerfully explained why the whole thing was a month early. Whatever. (anybody else remember the scene in National Lampoon's European Vacation, the Oktoberfest riot????)
So, I am at the beer and wicked tasty specialty food store and see beers by Spaten of Munich. I am thinking "Fall=Oktoberfest at my house!" and got the Optimator and the premium. I knew nothing of these, except one is dark, one light. Me and the missus, and Spike the cat set out glasses and cold bottles and PIZZA and got down to it! Oh, life is good.
The optimator seems like (I havn't read anything about it yet--I like to taste and write with an open mind) a good dark bock beer, which means a dark lager. pretty tasty, a little toasted malt or something.
The pale premium, though? Holy CATS! BUY THAT! I did taste tests of two famous European lagers this summer--Stella Artois and Pilsner Arquell, and Spaten is 1000 times better. A million times better! Huge foamy head and delicious flavor. That satisfies this regular guy.
So, Optimator, a dark bock beer, 7 thumbs up out of ten, and the pale pilsner lager called Spaten Premium: 11 thumbs up out of 10!!!!

a couple of cool special orders!

2008-09-09T09:47:00.003-04:00

(cups by Gary Rith)
Chatty asked for a pink mug with an angel, which was new territory for me, a cow over moon cup with s square handle, also new territory, and Jessica asked about Halloween possibilities and I tried these ghosts, ALSO new territory. Chatty also wanted a pig mug.
looking pretty great, yes?

Safety and Danger

2008-09-09T07:08:00.003-04:00

(View here off Cornell's suspension bridge over Fall Creek.)
Tink's weekly photo challenge is safety and danger. Here are views off the bridge, plus one of the massive cables, then below are views of it. The warning signs at the end of the bridge are on a path along the edge of this gorge, which is hundreds of feet deep. Fall Creek is a little river behind my house, but in descending approx. 400 feet to Cayuga Lake, it cuts a very deep and narrow gorge with several waterfalls. The middle pic above is looking straight down off the bridge at a number of Cornell students swimming and drinking beers on the floor of the gorge. I shudder to imagine what a small pebble falling off the side of the gorge might do to their heads. YES, a student died in June near that spot, washed away over the waterfall. And Cornell has a reputation for suicides off these bridges. Every year it seems there are accidents and deaths in the gorges. There are 3 of these gorges going through campus!
Beautiful but dangerous.

2008-09-09T07:05:00.000-04:00

2008-09-09T07:00:00.000-04:00

Roxy Music

2008-09-09T06:59:00.000-04:00

More than this. Tres romantique. Video? Perhaps tres pretentious.

C'est magnifique!

2008-09-08T20:01:00.002-04:00

(Pat and Katie, Ellen and Lauren)
Oh the joys of advanced classes. These students are exceptionally skilled.
Had our first Monday advanced class at Cornell, and my students, 3 of whom I know already, are REALLY good.
So, I plan to sit back and let them teach ME for the next few weeks. It should be relaxing and enlightening.

Mister Potsblog goes back to school

2008-09-08T10:25:00.003-04:00

Classes at Cornell University's Pot Shop begin again today. I teach advanced Monday and Thursdays. My classes in the summer each had only 2 students, so we did whatever the students wanted. These are much bigger classes, so I GOT ORGANIZED and planned. I wanted a comp book for notes, couldn't decide which to buy the orange or the green? I got both, and covered the price with a little piggy sticker. So, I have a wad of papers to stuff in there, I should finish my planning and go over there, and stop blogging and messing around. I am bringing a pot or two, which shows who I am and what I make.
The students could be anybody, but they are invariably a whole hell of a lot smarter than me--literally rocket scientists and brain surgeons, learning pottery. However, my pigs and elephants kick a$$.

my stinking kiln

2008-09-08T10:13:00.002-04:00

I bought a nifty new high tech kiln 4 years ago, and it is, ahem, tricky. Needs a lot of fixing. Yesterday I was horrified to see SPARKS AND FLAMES popping out of the computer control box. When you fire a kiln, as safe as they are, you stick around and watch them. I mean, they're just big toaster ovens, but you wouldn't put toast in there for 12 hours without watching it, right???
Anyway, I had this same problem about 6 months ago. I caught it early in the firing. The interior was only up to 400 degrees, and I cut the power and the sparking stopped. This morning, I unloaded, unplugged and took apart the kiln. You see that a white insulator was loose, and the element wire was in contact with the kiln's metal jacket. Luckily the element, the wires, the kiln and MY HOUSE are all OK. I replaced the insulator, and tightened all the insulators and wires, and then ran a test. Perfect.

what do your Converse Chuck Taylor's say about you????

2008-09-08T06:37:00.003-04:00

I put on my black Chuck Taylor low tops yesterday, but my mother-in-law had given them to me a couple of years ago, so I am not neccessarily a black low top guy. You see, I think that having Chucks tells one thing about you, but the color and high vs. low tells you the most about a person. I found these black hightops along the highway, believe it not, we stopped the car by the airport and got one, then a mile further, got the other. They were clean and never worn, and my size, but I am not a Chuck black high top. That suggests, I think, more of a type A personality.
I am, by choice and temperment, Converse Chuck Taylor white low tops. I have two pairs at least 16 years old. They are SO OLD THEY SAY MADE IN USA. My grandfather had worked in the Converse factory until he was in his 70s. He was a tiny little Welshman who hadn't been to school, but he spent his whole life reading books, and making Chuck Taylors in Massachusetts. He taught my mom to love books, and through her, I love books too.
Anyway, white low tops, in my mind, suggest a laid back, creative type of guy.
Mellow and friendly in a quiet way.
My friend Aara was over yesterday, and she has purple low tops, and she is a VERY purple low top person.
Any opinons on all this?

cow jumping over the sun???

2008-09-08T06:35:00.003-04:00

(mug by Gary Rith)
I have to check the emails, but Farmer's Wife asked for a huge yellow mug with a cow jumping over the sun. I think that's what she said.
Anyway, it is, I think, tres cute, and tres huge. YES, it would hold the contents of a small coffee pot, I think.......

le canard: inspired by Cheri and Laura

2008-09-08T06:32:00.004-04:00

(duck bowl being made and then finished by Gary Rith)
Cheri bought a cow bowl and said her daughter Laura likes ducks, what can I do?
I thought about it, and decided to see what I could make. I took an ordinary bowl, pulled it ovoid, then added feet and the rest.
Quack!

le rainbow

2008-09-08T06:30:00.002-04:00

The missus went to a natural dyeing workshop, wool in hand. The mustardy color on the right? Marigolds! The bright yellow on the left? Goldenrod! The pale green on the far left? Parsley! You should have seen the clothesline outside at the place where the workshop was---dozens of these colored strands blowing in the wind!

Sonic Youth

2008-09-08T06:29:00.000-04:00

Mote. Good video for a moody mood, you know?

speaking of scams and paypal!

2008-09-07T06:14:00.003-04:00

As I said 2 seconds ago in the post below, I have sent many emails of complaint to paypal about their succumbing to some hacking scam which resulted in my loss of 60 bucks, because one of my HAPPY customer's paypal acct. was stolen (they say I should call them). The customer is a good person who emailed me when I learned of the problem, but she isn't having much luck. Turns OUT she's a blogger too, and visits here all the time, who knew? Heather commented:
"Hey Gary, it's me, Heather. The one with the stolen PayPal account and who has caused you drama. I read your blog almost daily and I just checked it and read your PayPal post. I am so sorry! I really feel terrible. Give me a few days and I will pay you again (not through PayPal) if needed. I don't have the money in my PayPal because they took it from you but never gave it to me. I HATE THEM!! You are great, I hope you're not still super upset. Just know I will take care of you one way or another. I think you're an amazing artist and an even more amazing person. I love reading your blog and hearing about your adventures. :o)"

Nice of her to say all of that. Heather didn't do anything wrong, but paypal is the one who let the hackers scoop the money, soooooo, they need to settle this with her. Think of Heather here, bless her, trying to fix DOZENS of messed up transactions!
Thanks Heather, we'll see if we can get it right.

UPDATE: Paypal has been no help at all. I spent 30 minutes talking to a person in India who would not help. Apparently they say the acct was stolen so they just voided EVERY TRANSACTION. One keystroke, and there goes my money.

more songs about pigs and dogs

2008-09-07T06:03:00.002-04:00

(pots by Gary Rith)
In other news, my repeated complaints to paypal since Friday has resulted in their emailing me that I should call them. It would be dreaming to think they would happily and miagically return my 60 bucks from the reversed sale of items....

Missus Pottersblog submits a pic

2008-09-07T06:01:00.001-04:00

She asks for the camera. She says 'oh, you'll love this picture' then she returns the camera.

Travis

2008-09-07T06:00:00.001-04:00

Why does it always rain on me? We have had very little rain thanks to hurricane Hannah. Plenty of clouds. Here is Travis with one of their very odd videos.

Movie talk with the regular guy: American Teen

2008-09-06T19:58:00.003-04:00

Me and the missus just saw the real life documentary of high schoolers called 'American Teen'.
Remember high school? ::shudder:: Yeah, I know, I still havn't finished high school, that's how much I liked high school.
I was talking to my potter buddy Andy the other day, and the poor sap teaches high school art full-time, and man, he hates it. First day? 2 kids use their cell phones and take pics of their willies to pass around, AND other kids use their cells, held low under the table, to try to shoot upskirts of girls, which they then pass around. Chaos! Anarchy and hell!
And we see that in this documentary. There is a totally mean girl who HAS IT ALL. Looks and loads of money, good grades etc, but man, you hate her, she's such a snake. The basketball star is pushed by everybody but remains sweet, friendly, and hard working and you love him. The geeky boy? He doesn't make life any easier for himself by expressing his low self-esteem so clearly: he pretty much has a 'kick me' sign all over him, and you realize that the fourth character, Hannah, gets kicked around a lot, but she is the opposite. She is creative and ambitious and wants to move UP in the world. Wow. Glad I'm 42. Also glad I retired from teaching high school in 97, before everybody got cells.
OK, 'American Teen', a documentary, 9 thumbs out of ten, plus a bonus point for Hannah, ten thumbs up out of ten.

Book talk with the regular guy

2008-09-06T19:51:00.003-04:00

I go through absolute STACKS of books and magazines every week, I really do, but never mention it here. I tend to, ahem, read it and forget it, but maybe I should try a little harder to think about what I read. So here goes.
I am reading 'Bodega Dreams' by Ernesto (what was his last name, dammit?), a dude my wife introduced me to at a coffee house, he's a for real writer and professor and award winner, but I havn't finished the book so I am not writing about it now. But imagine that, you bump into a guy in a coffee shop and read his book and it kicks a$$? Doesn't happen every day.
I saw 'Korgi' in the window of the comic book store and had to buy it because it is so cute. Just a graphic novel, no words, just drawings, good for anybody on earth, any age, and it is so cute and such a great story! Little woodland elf types and little magic dogs. I gotta get 'Korgi 2' now. 9 thumbs up out of 10!
(You may notice that what I review invariably gets a big thumbs up. I am careful. I don't watch movies or read books unless I really want to. Careful selection process=many thumbs up)

Inventory Reduction: the aftermath

2008-09-06T11:19:00.003-04:00

(Mister Pottersblog AFTER, and paintings by Ellie of the Hairy Canary)
Inventory reduction of wee little curls. Ellie of the Hairy Canary, is of course, a fabulous painter, so the place is a barbershop and art gallery. Probably the neatest barbershop and gallery on earth, so next time I need to bring the camera. Next time, you don't say? Well, yes, I can see going to a barber who is friendly and charismatic and you talk about art (plus she cuts my hair a heck of a lot better than I cut my hair, not that it matters to me). I mean, maybe you realize a barber is cheaper than a shrink or bartender: they are paid to sit there and talk to YOU, and the bonus is they cut your hair too!

Hairy Canary

2008-09-06T06:37:00.002-04:00

(the BEFORE)
Funny story, this is. But first, some background.
Last time I went to a barber was 1993, or maybe 1992. Once I had lassoed my wife, I started chopping my own hair, maybe with her help, because I wasn't trying to look presentable anymore. Just, you know, reduce the crop from shaggy to a little shorter with scissors and a mirror. I liked going to Gabby's barber shop in Chicago, which was an old-fashioned barber shop for yuppies and guppies (you know what a guppy is, don't you???) and Gabby would poke and stroke your head and I would come out looking like a little boy, but that was a long time ago. Maybe thanks to Gabby I looked super-sexy and that is why my wife fell for me? But as I say, once the vows were said, I did what all men do, which is revert to caveman.
Anyway, the missus has an appt. this morning at 9:30 at the Hairy Canary, which looks uncannily like Gabby's barber shop in Chicago, for a cut or trim or whatever. She can't make it, because of a daylong class she had forgotten about. Can't cancel, so guess who gets a hair cut? Moi.

beagle on a blue mug

2008-09-06T06:35:00.001-04:00

(pots by Gary Rith, and Penny on Jack's bed)
Jack's no longer with us, but his bed is still here. Everybody takes turns sleeping on it.

2008-09-06T06:33:00.001-04:00

That's what The Kills say, I am sure....

who are: THE KILLS?

2008-09-06T06:27:00.002-04:00

Some old dude who happens to be KATE MOSSES' latest boyfriend and the tall, slim eye candy who sings with him. These guys are new to me, so I can say: you have to wonder what this gnarly looking muscian has that he pairs up with this pretty young chick to make music, then goes home to Kate Moss? Guess he can play it.

a petite glaze tip

2008-09-05T14:52:00.003-04:00

(pots by Gary Rith)
My potting pal Dragonfly Clay Studio sent me some groovy glaze recipes. Here are three for her. I use them at the Cornell Pot Shop, and you can see them on my pieces above.
Cone 6, electric kiln, oxidation.

VC 71 base (semi-matte, speckly green--wild!)
custer spar 4000
frit 3124 900
whiting 1600
talc 900
epk 1000
flint 1600
bentonite 200
--for green (above on frog mug) add copper carbonate 400
--for blue (not shown) cobalt carbonate 200

Opal (on elephant and blue mugs above--super gorgeous but can be a little runny)
gillespie borate (probably gerstley borate too) 5000
flint 3250
epk 1750
rutile 300
cobalt carbonate 300
bentonite 200

white (blueberry bowls above--nice creamy semi-matte)
gerstley borate 3163
talc 1395
epk 498
kona f4 spar 1980
silica 2964
zircopax 511
bentonite 199

SCAM ALERT!

2008-09-05T12:29:00.003-04:00

Somebody buys from me, I bend over backwards to make them happy. I double box, I use bubble wrap, I add a little free present.
So today, paypal tells me that 2 items purchased in June had not been rec'd, and 60 bucks I had gotten from the buyer is *POOF* GONE.
WTH? There were records permanently on etsy about it from the buyer, saying they were grateful to have rec'd the items, and so I had not kept the barcode delivery confirmation receipt. I guess I need to keep those suckers forever, because the customer's paypal address was stolen, and the way they take money is to say items were not rec'd, and so paypal refunds them into the thiefs acct! BASTARDS! Probably a bunch of Nigerian hackers or something.
The customer (bless her) wrote me saying the acct was stolen and they are trying to resolve the issue. Basically, PAYPAL needs to make amends.
DANG. I was more angry before the nice customer explained that, but I am still fuming, and I guess I will start shipping with certified mail or UPS. And keep the receipts until I am dead.
I am taking the dog for a long walk.
Have a nice weekend. :(

...and the grand prize winner....

2008-09-05T06:38:00.002-04:00

(Pottery Lottery winners Lis Garrett and her daughter Hannah)
The winners coild NOT have been more spread out. Sil halfway around the world in Korea got the runner up, and the grand prize went to Lis and her daughter Hannah, who, um, live down the street from me. Shipping was easy. I was on my way to pick up Missus Pottersblog from work, and stopped at their house......
Lis says she never wins ANYTHING. Good thing her daughter gave her a joke!

time marches on...

2008-09-05T06:35:00.002-04:00

(pots by Gary Rith)
While the sweeps were going on, OF COURSE I was busy! My Minnesota pal Newt asked for some extra big pasta bowls, with frogs and dogs, and here are some of the bowls with frogs. This mug? I was fiddling around, and this got me excited--the descending ridgy shape and the stepped foot.
Blahblahblah...nothing more boring than a potter talking pot shapes and glazes...

caterpillar mugs!

2008-09-05T06:34:00.002-04:00

(by Gary Rith)

Groove Armada and Fatboy Slim

2008-09-05T06:34:00.001-04:00

I See You Baby! Racy!

America Gets Excited and TUNES IN TONIGHT!

2008-09-04T12:57:00.002-04:00

Oh happy DAY!
I am a VERY big football fan. Football in general, you know? The NFL opens tonight, and although I am not specifically a NY Giants fan, because as I have said here before I like the Jets' team colors better, I am totally excited.
When I was little we lived in Ohio, in the town where the Cleveland Browns practiced in the summer, and I could ride my bike to the field everyday and watch practice, and I did, and I met the whole team. MONSTERS! Big friendly guys, all of them, and I had gotten nearly all their autographs too. I also played football in high school for 3 years, which seems pathetic and laughable considering I was and I am about 5 foot 8 inches and 144 pounds. But I was a starter, I was freshman team captain, and I could knock anybody on their a$$ that came my way. Even Big Jim Weaver, a guy on our team who was 14 years old and six foot 3, 320 pounds. Just go low for the knees, no probs.
My career was, of course, cut short by a rather serious head injury, which caused me to miss a lot of school and stop studying and hang out with the punks. Denis, who is also my size, also played high school football. We both, ahem, played for small schools that never won games, but you know...details details....
Despite all that, it is a glorious day, and the NFL plays tonight!

September anniversaries:

2008-09-04T10:11:00.003-04:00

Knight got me thinking about anniversaries.

--It is 25 years ago this week that I first touched clay and got onto the wheel. 25 Years!
--It is also 25 years since I met my best pal Denis. We were geeky little college frosh, and were in a dorm suite with 6 other little geeks. Denis is the absolute BEST friend I could have. The best. Of course, 25 years ago, he had a lot more on top, but anyway....
--AND 17 years ago my wife was just an aquaintance. She is a tiny little thing, but when she heard I was moving apartments she asked if she could help! Then we started to date and all. And we have moved a WHOLE LOTTA junk in the 17 years since she said that! (got married Christmas 1992)
Smooch, I love you sweetie, thanks so much for helping me out THEN and ever since.

Spike and Penny certify the Sweepstakes

2008-09-04T06:27:00.002-04:00

A pretty great get together, that jokeathon was, wasn't it? Let's give it a little time to settle, then DO IT AGAIN!
Once again, thank you for the contributions and fun. I think that the boundaries of what we would share with a 10 year old were pushed pretty far, (pushed off a cliff, maybe, to some readers!) but I did not want to be censorious or schoolmarmish.
Congrats to runner up Sil in Korea and Lis from Ithaca with the grand prize!
All the jokes are below. I printed 25 pages (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I will save them on a permanent button on the right, where Penny is wearing her purple hoodie, and you can look any time.
Thanks!
-Gary

ALL the jokes, yep, all 25 pages!

2008-09-04T06:23:00.000-04:00

Julie from Melbourne:
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

a carrot.
Hi, I'm Farmer*sWife from South Texas and here are a few of my kid friendly jokes:

What did the carpet say to the floor??

Shhhh, I got you covered!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did the roof say to the chimney??

You're too young to smoke!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Banana
Banana who?

Knock knock?
WHO's there?
Banana.....
Banana WHO!

Knock knock?
WHO'S THERE!?
Orange....
Orange who.
Orange ya' glad I didn't say banana?
Louise said...
This is my favourite joke, and I told it live on air in Ireland when I was a kid - I'm Louise, and I'm from Dublin, Ireland, and here's my silly joke:

A man went to hell and met the devil waiting for him in a large fiery corridor. The devil advised him that he would have a choice of three rooms in which to spend the rest of his unfortunate existence, and that he could have a look in them first to help him make his mind up.

They entered the first room, where people were hanging from their eyelids, being flayed and being made to watch tv that they hated. Screaming and wailing and knashing of teeth abounded.

Then they went to the second room, where people were being tortured horribly with brooms and mouldy faceclothes and generally not having a good time (the non-ten year old version of this is a little more, eh, graphic). Needless to say, screaming and wailing and knashing of teeth were very much the order of the day in this room too.

Then they went to the third and last room, where all of the occupants were standing around hip high in ####. Festering, eye-watering, piercingly smelly, ####. However. Some of the occupants were reading the newspaper, while hip high in ####. Some were listening to the radio, while hip high in ####. It stank, for sure, but other than the hip high in #### bit, this seemed to the guy with the choice like the kinda place he could see himself spending the rest of his unfortunate existance in.

So the devil asked, 'which will it be?' and the man promptly chose the hip high in #### room, to which he was ushered with great haste by the guard who was rushing back into the room.

No sooner deposited (heh) in his new room, the guard announced, in a tone made flat through endless repetition:

'Right lads, breaks over, heads down. Back to work'
Farmer*s Wife from S. TX with another one:

Hey?
Yeah?
Is your refrigerator running?
Yeah?
Better go catch it! :-D
This is soooo fun!

Hi. My name is TT and I'm from Oklahoma.

How do you catch a unique bird?
**'unigue'up on it **

How do you catch a tame bird?
**tame way**
Ok...here's another...

Put your arms over your head with your palms together and spell the word image...then add the word lightbulb at the end....
I
m
a
ge
lightbulb.

ha ha ha ha ha ha
Julie said...
I meant mad in the nicest possible way of course.

What's brown and sticky?

a stick
Do puns count? If not, I'll just lurk around as I usually do.. all glazed and confused. I don't mind if they're not acceptable... I'm just kiln time anyway, so don't fire me!

Hilary from Ontario, Canada wanders off humming Jimi Hendrix' Purple Glaze
Ok, this is J, and I'm from Minnesota.

Lets see:

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "Hey buddy. Why the long face?"

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese

"Have you got any kittens going cheap?", asked a customer in a pet store.
"No, sir," replied the owner. "All our kittens go "Meow"."

And the last:

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, "What do you want?" The bartender replies, "First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food." The panda bear turns around and says, "Hey! I'm a Panda. Look it up!" The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: "Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it's stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Hi, I'm ~Sil and I live in South Korea. Here's my joke!

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home till he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.
Lis Garrett said...
Here is one submited by my nine-year-old daughter, Hannah, since I'm the world's most unfunny person. We are from Ithaca.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cow.
Cow who?
Cows don't say 'who.' Cows say 'Moo.'
Hi, I'm Linda from California almost the middle of the state and my mind is a blank - a total blank - I'll be back later after my coffee. OK all I can think of right now - is when I went through the drought in California back in the 80's or so to conserve on water in toilet flushes, we used to say,
"If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down"
Ok - we're Kate and Jim from the Hudson Valley area in New York.

A 1st grade teacher in NY explains to her class that she's a Jet's fan. She asks her students if they are too. Everyone in the class raises their hand, except Janie. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Jets fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you're not a Jets fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Pats fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
The teacher asked, "Janie, why are you a Pats fan?"
"because my mom is a Pats fan, and my dad is a Pats fan, so I'm a Pats fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Pats fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mom was a moron and your dad was a moron, what would you be then?"

"Then I'd be a Jets fan."
Hi, I'm Reb and I'm from Alberta!

This was one of Dad's, I don't know the original author, probably that famous person Anonymous.

The dogs, they held a meeting
They came from near and far
Some came by automobile,
While others came by car
From all over the world they came
Into the hall to look
It got so crowded, they had to take
their arseholes off and hang them on a hook
No sooner were they settled,
every mother's son & sir
When a yellow bitch yelled fire
and out the door they tore
They went in such a hurry,
they didn't have time to look
and as each passed, reached up and took
an arsehole off the hook
They got their arseholes all mixed up
it made them awful sore
to have to wear an arsehole
they'd never worn before
Now that is why a dog will drop a juicy bone
and go an smell an arsehole in hopes to find his own!
Hi, I'm Linda from California,

"What's black and white and red all over?"

a newspaper
Hi, this is Lynda from Houston...

I have two little jokes and hope one is not inappropriate.

1. Why don't aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny!

2. Have you ever smelled mothballs?

How did you get their little legs apart?
I'm Knight from New York (but you know that) and here is the one joke I know:

What did the Goldfish say when he swam into the wall?

DAMN!

"Hi, I'm Janet and I'm from the Boston area and here's my joke, which, hmmm, come to think of it, mibht not be so good for a 10 year old, but here goes:

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run..run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his accent: "R-r-r-un yah bahstahd, r-r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstahd, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstahd, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with p-r-r-ride man!"
Knight said...
Oh wait, I remember another...

Two guys walked into a bar....
The third one ducked.
Hi, I'm Linda from California, here's my joke,

"What kind of dance does a rabbit do?"

Hip Hop
Hi, I'm Linda from California and here's my joke:

"Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a corn field?"

"there's too many ears and they'll hear you
Hi, I'm Kcinnova, and I'm still claiming Washington State as home - regardless of the fact I live in Virginia.

I have to credit Garrison Keilor's annual joke show for these:
____________________

Why did the egg cross the road?

Because it had the inclination.
____________________

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

"DUNG!"
____________________

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Fifteen. One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins.
__________________

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll?

A: No one knows - it's never been done!
___________________

Woman: Doctor, for the last 8 months, my husband has believed he is a lawnmower.

Doctor: Well, why didn't you bring him in sooner?

Woman: Because the neighbor just returned him this morning!
______________________
[Say this one aloud]:

What do you a call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer!
_____________________

Why couldn't the pony talk?

He was a little horse.
_____________________

What should you do if you're eaten by an elephant?

Run around and 'round until you're all pooped out!
_____________________

And my personal favorite:

What is the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits a windshield?

His butt.

Knight said...
This is "What Did?" by Shel Silverstein

What did the carrot say to the wheat?
"Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."

What did the paper say to the pen?
"I feel quite all write my friend."

What did the teapot say to the chalk?
Nothing. you silly...teapots can't talk!
Farmer*swife said...
Correction: I didn't tell it right earlier (no wonder it didn't make any sense).

What did the Big Chimney say to the Little Chimney?

You're too young to smoke!
~~~~~~~~~~That makes more sense. Sorry 'bout that!
Emily from NY:
One I saw when I was in London and liked:

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

It goes on and on and on like that, but you get the picture.

Best Wishes,

Amaryllis, (a.k.a. EH)
This is Candace from Iowa.

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?

The horses name is Friday.

Thanks!
Candace
ok, I'll give it a try. I'm usually not good at telling jokes.
Hi, I'm Carrie from Minnesota.

A bear walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He walks up to the bartender and says, "I'll take two beers...one for me and one for the road." :)
Hi, Linda from California, here's my joke,

"How does a tree get on the internet?

it logs in"
Karen said...
I have the best off-color joke, but I will keep it clean

What do Michael Jackson and Walmart have in common?

They both have little boys pants half off this week.

Still a bit off color, I suppose. But that is as clean as my sense of humor can be.

Knight said...
You mentioned Groucho Marx and it reminded me of a quote of his that I just used in my cabaret:

“Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.”

Sorry I'm late, I'm cm from Toronto, and I stole this from my friend Pooky:

Two muffins are sitting in a microwave. The first one turns to the second and says, "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" The second one says, "Holy cow, a talking muffin!"
Hi, I am fiwa and I'm from sunny Seattle Washington!

That's my joke. Get it?! Ok, ok... here's my real one:

There was a blonde that lived in a house on the corner of 4th Avenue.

She had a small shed in her yard where she kept gardening tools. One day she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed, so she called 911.
911 answered and said "911, is this an emergency?"

The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" The 911 operator said, "Don't panic help is on the way. Where do you live?"

The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"

The 911 operator calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"

The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
From Laura (age 8 1/2), daughter of Cheri @ Blog This Mom!:

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrup MOOOO!

:D
Hey, Gary. Hi, I'm Ruthie from Ontario, Canada....Joke for the PGA fans!

Did you know that I can hit a golf ball 400 yards?

Nah!

Yep, 200 yards up and 200 yards down!

Tee hee!
here's one for you, Gary!

Did you hear about the potter's apprentice that melted a whole kiln load of ware?

He got fired!
Q: Why did God call the woman, "woman"?

A: Because when Adam saw Eve he said, "Woah-man!"

Q: What has six eyes and seven teeth?

A: The night-shift at the Waffle House.
Oh, I forgot my introduction!

Hi, I'm Tink and I'm an alco- wait.

I'm from "sunny" Florida. ;)
Hi Gary, this is Newt from St. Paul Minnesota.

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Wade

Wade who?

Wade up little Susie!

and one more

Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
Hi Gary! My name is Fortune Cookies, I'm from Tennessee. I love this idea! Oh what fun!!! Ok, ok, here's mine: Have you ever smelled moth balls?
Yeah? Well, how'd you get their tiny little legs apart?

:)
Hilary said...
Here's an old favourite .. .ish:

Once upon a time in the future, the lovely Missus Pottersblog took the frail, elderly Mister Pottersblog to a nursing home. After she got him settled in, she hugged and kissed him goodbye, and left him for the day.

The following morning, the nurses bathed him, fed him a tasty breakfast of "spectacular peanut butter and jam muffins," and set him in a chair in the lounge overlooking a wonderful collection of whimsical pottery.

He seemed ok, but after a while he slowly started to tilt sideways in his chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch him and straighten him up.

Again he seemed fine, but after a while he slowly started to tilt over to his other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought him back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, Missus Pottersblog arrived to see how her husband was adjusting to his new home.

"So Mister Pottersblog, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," he replied. "Except they won't let me fart."
Hey there. I'm Brenda from Las Vegas. Maybe you shouldn't share with a 10 year old???

This 70 year-old guy went to the doctor because he was having some problems and the doctor told him he would need a sample (semen) and gave him a glass jar and told him to bring it back tomorrow with the sample.

The next morning the old man shows up with a clean empty jar. The doctor asks what was the problem.

The old guy says, well, first I tried and tried and I couldn't do it so I called my wife in. First she used her right hand, then she used her left hand, then she even tried her mouth, but no luck.

So, then I call over our neighbor, Norma and she tried too, but, still just no luck.

The doctor was shocked with this and asked: "you called your neighbor and she was willing to help you with this?"

And the old guy replied, "Yep, but even Norma couldn't get the lid off the jar!"

Yuka, yuka, yuka!
Lynda said...
Okay, this is making me come back...

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish!

How to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

And now, for some one-liners from Steven Wright who just cracks me up:

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh!!!"

I installed a skylight in my apartment . . . the people who live above me are furious!

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Okay - I am sorry - but aren't they a hoot???
Hi again, Brenda from Las Vegas, who thinks there should be a ban on blond jokes!

Here's another from me though just in case my first one was too sensitive for the 10 year old!

A cowboy is coming home from the range and finally makes it to the gate of his ranch. He get's off his horse to open the gate and notices a frog that is talking. "Hey, Mister, I am really a beautiful princess and if you give me a kiss, your wish is my command."

Well the cowboy doesn't answer, but picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and proceeds to open and close the gate and gets back on his horse to head for the barn. "Hey, Mister, really, I am a beautiful princess and if you just kiss me, I will do anything, and I mean anything."

The cowboy he just keeps riding and doesn't say a word. Finally, the frog/princesss is getting a little upset and says, "listen, Mister, I know I look like a frog here, but this horrible witch cast a spell on me and if you would just kiss me, I will turn back into the beautiful princess I am and will please you for the rest of your life, so, please, come on, just one little kiss, okay, don't you want a beautiful princess to fill your every desire?"

The cowboy he thinks on this for a minute and then says: "Naw, I think I would rather have a talking frog!"
gary rith said...
Yes, they ARE a hoot, and again, let's try to remember: not too adult (BRENDA! although it was pretty darn funny about the lid! and Hillary!!!!!! Couldn't you have used yourself rather than US? Har!)OK, how about Jeff Foxworthy:
"If you're mowing your lawn, and you find a car, you might just be a redneck.
If your daddy walked you to school everyday, because you were in the same grade, you might just be a redneck.
If the bartender asks you for ID and you show him your belt buckle, you might just be a redneck!"
Kim said...
Okay, this one is very slightly off-color but kind of cute:

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barder says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."
J from Minnesota again: (I'm loving this too)

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

kcinnova said...
A few more, compliments of my Prairie Home Companion "Pretty Good Joke" tapes:
_______________________

Baby snake: Are we poisonous?

Mommy snake: Yes, we are - why?

Baby snake: I think I just bit my tongue!

__________________

I stayed in such a low class hotel a couple of weeks ago. I called up the front desk and told them I had a leak in my sink. And the guy said, "Go ahead."
_______________________

My grandmother started walking 5 miles a week when she turned 60.
She's 97 and we don't know where the heck she is!
_______________________
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change it, and one not to change it.
________________________

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to put the clocks in the bathtub.
_______________________

How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.
_______________________

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Four. One to change it, and 3 to complain that it's electric.
___________________________

How many communists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
__________________________

How do you make a bandstand?

Take away their chairs.
_________________________

{Here's a timely one:}

How is a divorce in North Dakota like a hurricane in Florida?

Either way, you lose the trailer.
_________________________

Why do they put bells on cows?

Because their horns don't work!
Here's an original one that SuperDad made up in July (long car rides will do that to you):
___________________________

Why did the joke limp across the road?
It was lame.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?

The food is terrific, but there's no atmosphere!
_______________________

What sits at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.
_________________________

How do you get down from an elephant?

Ummm...you don't get down from an elephant, silly! You get down from a GOOSE.
Lynda said...
Gary,

You have created a sensation! You've got me obsessed with coming back to read more of these jokes...The nervous wreck joke made me laugh out loud - it hit my funny bone just right!

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier . . . I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it . . . it feels real."

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
Gary Rith said:
OK, here's a good one, courtesy of my wife Maude, from a school magazine in 1970:
A guy locks himself out of his convertible. He calls the dealer:
"help, I'm locked out of my convertible, which is the easiest window to replace? I have to smash one and open the door!"
Dealer says: "Don't break anything, we'll come right over and help you out!"
Guy says: "Well please hurry, because it looks like rain, and I left the top down and I don't want the seats to get wet."

Thanks everybody for helping make this so much fun!
1. Farmer*swife said...
Okay! Okay, I got one more...

What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on the ant?

Dead-ant, Dead-ant, Dead-ant! Dead-ant! Dead-ant! Dead-ant, Deeeeead-annnnt! [get it? Gotta'a say it to the Pink Panther tune! ;-D]
This is Mrs. Pottsblog and I'm from New York.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
Amosquito bit me.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Andy
Andy who?
Andy bit me again
Michelle said...
If you have a bee in your hand, what is in your eye?

Beauty! 'Cause beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
Why don't sharks bite lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
I'm Michelle from Nanaimo, British Columbia, CANADA, eh? And I posted the two previous comments and forgot to post my name and locale. D'oh!

Okay... Way back in the times of the wild west, a cowboy walked into a saloon wearing a paper hat, paper shirt, paper vest, paper pants, paper chaps and paper boots.

The bartender looked up and said, "Jed! Golly! Where you been?"

Cowboy said, "They've had me locked up in the big house"

Bartender says, "No way! What fer?"

Cowboy responds, "Rustlin'"
I'm Stacey from Portland(ish), OR. I'd LOVE to leave a joke here, but I don't know any. I get lots of jokes played on my certainly. I laugh uproariously when people TELL me jokes, but sadly, I can't remember them for 5 minutes, AND I can't deliver them if I write them down.

So...
I can tell you the latest joke played upon me by my "good" dog. I thought he was a good dog, but yesterday morning, while romping in my den with the "bad" dog, "good" dog PEED on "bad" dog. That was dandy.

(I totally know this doesn't qualify, but I didn't want you to think I was ignoring your fab idea! Good luck to all the entrants!)

It's late but I just had to add another joke...Brenda from LV

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
Brenda from Vegas again...I can't sleep cuz I keep thinking of more jokes...

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Okay, promise last one for tonight--Brenda-Vegas:

An old lady goes to her doctor and tells him of the problem she is having. "Doctor, this is really embarrassing but I have this awful problem. I have gas all the time and I can't control it at all. Fortunately, they are silent and don't smell or I would really be embarrassed. As a matter of fact I have let off four farts, just while in the office here with you. I need your help."

The doctor gives her a prescription and tells her to take it everyday and then come back in a week, that he is certain he can help her with her little problem.

The next week the old lady is in his office and she is very upset. "Doctor, the pills didn't help at all in fact it's worse because now I am farting just as much as ever and though still silent they are deadly and smell putrid!"

The doctor smiled and said, "now that I have your sense of smell fixed, I'll work on your hearing!"
Hilary said...
Another favourite. I'll keep you out of it this time. ;)
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on. The Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

Nance, from Groton- my husband told me this one:

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the
same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on
the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and
says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was
wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a
better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
This one is just for you Gary,

What do you call a mentally disabled person in a fancy suit?

Mr. President.
Another one for Gary!

What happens when our potter friend has a bit too much Canadian beer?

He gets all FIRED up and gets this GLAZED look in his eyes!!

(That's an original made up by ME...MOI!!)
tt said...
WOW!!!!! the response you've had is fantastic!!!!!!!! This is so fun and funny. didy ou know you'd get so many replies???? I know the prize is grand but WOW.......You my dear one...are liked...alot!

Here's one more:

Megan refuses to get out of bed.
" I can't go to school" she says " the kids make fun of me,
and the teachers hate me and I have way too much work to do"

"Megan you have to go to school" her mother says.
"You're the principal."

lol
Maggie From Quebec said...
Did anyone tell the one about the priest, the rabbai and the bishop?

They are talking one day about tithing. The priest draws a big circle on the ground and says, "We should throw the money up in the air and what lands outside the circle we give to God." The bishop says, "No we should throw the money in the air and what lands IN the circle we give to God." Then the rabbai says, "No no no, we throw the money up in the air and whatever God wants, he keeps!"

(I don't know many clean jokes. Sad isn't it?)

Okay...I'm Janean from Ohio. Here's my joke.

MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in school today?
FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink!
SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink!
THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof!MOTHER PIG: What?
THIRD PIGLET: I'm taking a foreign language.
Wilson Boyce, Groton, NY (6 years old)

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Water?
Water who?
Water you doing?
Hi there!
My name is Clyde and I'm from Plano, TX. Here's my 2 cents -laugh- contribution:

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it. "

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that. Write it down," she says.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down -- I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream! I got it, for goodness' sake!"

He toddles off to the kitchen. Twenty minutes later the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, "Where's my toast?"

Have a nice day!
Omg-Gary you are so popular! This is all I've got. I normally rely on others to make me laugh. :D
Jessica from GA:

How do you hide money from a Hippie?

Put it under the soap.
Linda Starr said...
What's green and very loud?

a frog horn
Hi, I'm Linda from California.

When is your cat most likely to run from your house?

When you leave the door open.
I am g-man from Maryland.

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers
Hi Gary, I'm taking this as a sign that 100 is a very lucky number.

I'm Linda from California,

Why aren't beagles (hint, hint) good dancers?

because they have two left feet
Hi I'm Linda from California,

Once there were 5 pigs who decided to go to a bar. Two went into the bar and the bartender asked them what they would have. They said 5 beers, drank them down and asked where the bathroom was, bartender said down the hall.
Then two more pigs went into the bar, bartender asked them what they would have. They asked what did the other two pigs have, bartender said 5 beers, so these two little pigs said they would have 10 beers, they drank them and asked where the bathroom was, the bartender said down the hall.

The last little pig went into the bar and bartender asked him what he would have. Little pig asked what the other pigs had, bartender said first two pigs had 5 beers, second two pigs had 10 beers, so last little pig said he would have 15 beers and he drank them down.

Then the last little pig started eating peanuts on the bar and the bartender said don't you want to know where the bathroom is? The last little pig said

No, I'm the one who goes wee, wee, wee all the way home.
Brenda from Vegas

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup.."
Vegas Brenda

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob!

What do you call a lady with only a right arm and leg?

Ilene!
Clowncar said...
I've lurked here, but never commented til now.

Did you hear about the new restaurant they opened on the moon? The food is great, but I guess there's no atmosphere.

Actually my favorite joke is too long to type. The punchline is "No, that's just ice cream!"
Peace an Love aka Brenda in Vegas:

Okay, did I tell you this is the best therapy of all?

A couple of jokes about Senior Drivers:
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

#######

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Agan, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
Knight said...
One more pig joke before you close up:
A city child came running into the farmhouse. "No wonder that mama pig is so big," she yelled. "Theres a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!"
Nancy Said
One last one- For the Single girls!

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.